What our Teens Need from their Parents
Written by Hope Cavallo
As a high school and middle school counsellor, I have heard from countless teens how they wish they had a closer connection with their parents. More teens than you would think, don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents about “personal stuff” and feel like their parents (especially their moms) are on their phones a lot of the time. Many don’t think their parents understand what they are going through and will sometimes feel like they are “not enough” in their parents’ eyes. They see that their parents are busy, and often stressed with life’s responsibilities, and don’t want to bring more troubles into their lives. They may keep their worries, their stresses and their day to day happenings to themselves, their friends and social media.
Most parents are doing their best to figure out this whole parenting thing. It’s not easy, I get it. We have so much on our plates and we are trying to show up for everyone…and it often feels like it’s still not enough. I know how you feel! It’s hard after years of telling our children how to behave, what to say, and what to do, that we need to learn a new way of connecting and communicating throughout the adolescence period.
What our Teens Need to Know
Our kids need to know we love them. That they matter. That we see who they are becoming and that we appreciate them for all their strengths and their challenges, their perspectives and their hopes and dreams. Even though they will make mistakes on their journey, we will still love them unconditionally.
If our children don’t feel like we care about them or like we don’t understand them, then the chances of them opening up to us about the “stuff” that really matters in life is really small.
A few tips on how to build connection with your teen:
Ask yourself this question, Do you truly listen to your child? Listening is the first part of communication. Don’t interrupt with comments or questions (I’m still working on this! My young adult son often needs to remind me to stop asking questions).
Just listen. Do not try to fix. Allow your child to share their opinions, their perspectives without judgment from you.
Put down your phone, close your laptop and let your child know you are present. This will make your child feel valued.
Every day we want to ensure that we are making a connection with our kids. Even if it's only a few minutes together with no distractions. Truly connecting. Checking in.
Be aware of how many criticisms/put downs your child is hearing and how many words of praise they are hearing. What are they hearing more of?
I understand that being a parent is hard. And sometimes we feel lost, helpless and like we haven’t done enough. I want you to know it’s never too late for things to get better. There are ways to strengthen your relationship with your child. They love you more than you know and they want to know that you see them, that you understand them and that you will always love them. You got this mom/dad. There’s nothing more important in our lives than our kids. No matter what situation you are currently in, I assure you things can get better.
